You’re Not Addicted to Pornography, You're Addicted to Shame
Nov 21, 2024
The American Addictions Center defines pornography addiction as “a behavioral addiction that is characterized by an ever-growing compulsion to view pornographic content or material despite adverse consequences.”
Notice the word “behavioral.” Most men I've worked with are not clinically addicted to pornography, however, they are addicted to shame. They exhibit the behaviors without being clinically addicted.
The True Nature of Pornography
I often hear, “We need to fix this pornography problem.” The trouble is you can’t fix pornography. More importantly, the problem is not pornography. The problem is the shame behind the pornography. The word Pornography could be replaced with any other behaviors like “Gambling”, “Drinking”, or even “Shopping.” Viewing pornography is a behavior and behaviors can change. Pornography is not the problem, shame is the problem. The behavior is simply a manifestation of shame.
What I have found to be true, is that healing from this addictive behavior requires one to first heal from shame. Sobriety allows for a person to white knuckle without true healing. Recovery focuses on the motivation for the behavior rather than the behavior -- and that motivation is most often based in shame. Without Shame
Shame wreaks havoc on the way we view our worth. Shame is the counterfeit of Guilt. Guilt says I've made a mistake. Shame says my existence is a mistake. Guilt speaks about a changeable behavior. Shame labels our character as unchangeable. Shame is one of the lowest frequency emotions we can feel. This is the problem. Pornography is not the problem. (Don’t get me wrong. I’m not endorsing it in any way. It is destructive to the brain and relationships.)
The Ingredients of Shame
“If you put shame in a petri dish, it needs three ingredients to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence, and judgment.”
~ Brené Brown
The reason shame traps us in pornography is because pornography matches the three ingredients of shame so well.
Secrecy
Gambling, alcohol, and even shopping all have a public aspect to them. Pornography is almost always done in secret. It’s usually done late at night under the veil of secrecy. Pornography above all other addictive behavior is the one hidden the most. It’s a private problem that is not typically done with others. Browser histories are deleted to maintain the covert nature. Excuses are made to maintain the guise. Cloak and dagger techniques are deployed to keep the action surreptitious.
Silence
Looking at all of the addictive compulsions, the one least talked about is pornography. People talk openly about their drunkenness and even celebrate it at frat parties. Gambling is celebrated on TV specials as risky and adventurous. Illegal drug use has been discussed ever since First Lady Nancy Reagen had us chanting “Just Say No” in schools across the country. Pornography isn’t openly talked about. It’s a truly taboo topic in our society. Outside of the walls of a church building it isn’t discussed much if at all. And even within the hallowed halls it is talked about in very discriminate and round about terms.
Judgment
Sexual indiscretions are judged much more harshly than someone that drinks. A regular drunk is almost accepted as just a clumsy oaf, whereas someone that looks at pornography is looked at as dirty, filthy, and a pariah on society. Judgment of someone who has looked at pornography is much more cruel and severe. We judge ourselves as needing more proverbial stripes for this than most other behaviors. Even well intentioned programs like Sexaholics Anonymous add shame as one of the first things said in the weekly meetings. “Hi. I’m __________ and I’m an addict." This is a very judgmental and shaming label and is frankly not true. You may have engaged in addictive behavior but your true nature is not that of an addict.
The Solution to Shame
Using these criteria we can look at the truth of the situation and ways to overcome this three headed dragon called shame.
Secrecy
Bring it into the light. One of the main reasons the twelve steps is effective is because of step 4 - “Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.” This brings the past behaviors into the light. Writing down each instance line-by-line is courageous and cleansing. Making that inventory obliterates the secrecy behind the actions. Step 4 along with Step 5 of the twelve steps removes the hiding and covert nature, revealing a complete inventory of times, methods, and severity.
Silence
Talking about the problem removes the silence shame needs to survive. Because of organizations like Fight the New Drug (Phase Alliance) and others founded by Clay Olsen, the world is becoming more open about discussing this problem in honest ways. As an individual breaking the silence is key to true healing. One of the most critical ways to remove shame is to break the silence. Referring back to the twelve steps, Step 5 says, “Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.” Sharing Step 4 with others creates a new mentality of safety and vulneraility. It reveals that we are ok even if our behaviors are not. Sharing our past opens the dialog, always us to surrender, and kills the silence shame needs to survive.
Judgment
Realizing that the problem is not pornography alleviates much of the judgment. Knowing the behavior is harmful without attributing those actions to our character creates less negative self talk and allows for compassion. Brene Brown added to the end of the previous quote, "If you put the same amount of shame in the petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can't survive."
When shame is spoken about, uncovered, and met with compassion, it disintegrates at an incredible rate. The way to get rid of shame, even deep-rooted shame, is to find a safe space and talk about it, write about it, and confront it. After all, "Fear falters when faced."
You are not addicted to pornography and it's time to stop feeding your addiction to shame,
