Understanding the Differences Between Guilt and Shame

Is shame a synonym for guilt?

Shame is often used as a synonym for guilt. Feeling “guilty” and feeling “ashamed” seem to be interchangeable in many people’s minds. However, these two emotions are fundamentally different. 

The beliefs at the core of shame are not the same as those at the core of guilt. 

Until about a decade ago, research lumped guilt and shame together. They were studied as if they were just two words that described the same thing. The view within psychology has since changed. 

Brené Brown has spent years studying shame and guilt. What she found was that shame has significant ties to addiction, bullying, and suicidal ideation. Shame leads to destructive cycles of behavior, whereas guilt is the opposite. Instead of leading to destruction, guilt is the way out of those harmful patterns. Guilt is instrumental in overcoming addiction, repairing the insecurities that fuel bullying, and maintaining our self-esteem. 

Guilt is an important part of becoming our authentic selves.

Shame is the very sneaky counterfeit of guilt. The unhealthy side effects often attributed to guilt are actually the defects of shame.

Earlier this week, I asked the Counterfeit Emotions Facebook group about the difference between guilt and shame. The replies I got offered valuable insight into how guilt and shame differ from each other. Kelly described the difference with the catchy saying “Keep your G’s together, and S’s together”.

I love the way Kelly groups these emotions with similar letters.
Guilt - God, Good, Growth
Shame - Silence, Secrecy, Stuck

I would add a few more:
Guilt - Grounding, Guiding, Gallant, Gracious, and most of all Genuine
Shame - Stubborn, Selfish, Shifty, Slanderous, and Sham

This is what guilt sounds like

• “I did this and I apologize”
• “I know I’ve hurt you.”
• “I own my mistake.”
• “I have compassion for you”
• “How can I make this up to you?”
• “How can I make this right?”
• “What do you need?”
• “I won’t do this again.”
• “I respect you.”
• “I respect me”

Guilt is a healthy, authentic emotion that connects us to others. The act of asking for forgiveness is incredibly vulnerable, and vulnerability is one of the most connecting things we can give one another. Guilt leads us to others. It guides us to seek out others to make amends and builds trust in relationships.

The motivation behind guilt is to make things right– not to punish ourselves for wrongdoing. Guilt values our worth and the worth of the person we have hurt or offended. It values the relationship between us and the people we’ve hurt–enough that it demands we fix it.

It is healthy to recognize mistakes and to address them and the harm they may 

have caused. That is what guilt does. Shame, on the other hand, attacks our self-worth.

This comment from Dave succinctly describes the beliefs that come along with shame versus the beliefs that are attached to guilt.

Guilt helps us recognize and address mistakes. While shame makes us feel like we are the mistake. 

This is what shame sounds like

• “I should have been…”
• “I shouldn’t have been…”
• “I’m not worth it”
• “That’s for other people not for me”
• “I’m a fake”
• “I’m an imposter”
• “I’m not good enough”
• “I’m defective”
• “I’m damaged beyond repair”
• “If people only knew who I really was”
• “I deserve the contempt others show me”
• “I'm so stupid”
  
  

Shame is one of the most destructive counterfeit emotions. Where guilt says I’ve done something wrong, shame says I am wrong. Guilt says “I need to bring this to the light so I can make amends”. Shame says “Hide every mistake in the dark so no one will know” and “If it’s hidden you won’t have to make amends.”

Guilt looks at the hurtful act and demands a recompense. Shame misdirects the feeling to my character instead of my behavior. Guilt demands we take action to repair. Shame says to label. Guilt says “I value you and therefore I want to make things right”. Shame says, “You’re not worth taking the time to mend our hurt relationship”… and even worse, shame says, “I’m not worth it either.”

Guilt is clearing and guilt coupled with penitence is healing. Guilt moves us to positive, honorable, action. Guilt teaches us–through a level of discomfort and even pain– that we don’t want to do that same hurtful action again. It hurts to feel the pain of guilt, and that is what drives us to change. Guilt is meant to hurt. 

Of all the authentic Emotions, there are only two that are meant to be felt but not held -- Guilt and Pain. They were made to move us. They are meant to be felt fully and then surrendered. Don’t hold onto guilt, use guilt to make things right; ask for forgiveness (from the other person, yourself, and God), then let it go. By surrendering to guilt we get an opportunity to learn, connect, repair, and grow.  Shame says that we are stuck in a fixed location and we have little or no worth.

Beware of shame’s lies. Feeling guilt is healthy because it helps us to confront and resolve our shortcomings. We are people that make mistakes. We are not our mistakes.