Vulnerability, The Bullet Train to Connection

According to Oxford, vulnerability is “the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.”

Vulnerability is a risk. When we open ourselves up emotionally, we risk rejection, judgment, and ridicule. In a Forbes article, Brené Brown talked about why she believes it’s difficult to be vulnerable.
“Vulnerability is about showing up and being seen. It’s tough to do that when we’re terrified about what people might see or think.”

If vulnerability can hurt us, what is the point? Why be vulnerable when I can protect myself by hiding behind a mask?

Because with the risk comes the possibility of a priceless reward. 

As humans, we fear being rejected and disconnected, and so we fear judgment. The most common reaction to this fear is perfectionism. We put on reputational masks to cover our flaws in the hopes that other people will like us. In that same Forbes article, Brené defines perfectionism as “the belief that if we do things perfectly and look perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame. Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around, thinking it will protect us, when in fact it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from being seen.”

Think about someone in your life that seems perfect. Everything is going well for them and it seems like they got everything together, no flaws in sight. Do you feel close to this person? Do you feel like you could turn to them for support? The answer is probably an unfortunate no. 

The thing about perfection is that it isn’t real, and we can tell. As humans, we long for genuine emotional connections, and a curated picture of perfection is not genuine. That is why vulnerability is so captivating, when we can see the humanity of people it is easier to connect with them.

Vulnerability is a powerful implement that, when used responsibly, can help us connect with ourselves, each other, and God on a deep, profound level. 

Something amazing happens when we let pretense, reputation, sugar coating, and fakeness fall away. Vulnerability is a direct route to authenticity and genuinity. It lays the foundation for close relationships bound by empathy, compassion and trust. 

The Power in Emotional Vulnerability

Everyone feels that need for the emotional intimacy that comes from being understood and accepted. That is why we long for friendship and community. We want to belong with other people. That feeling comes from being vulnerable. 

When someone takes the risk and is vulnerable with their emotions, it breaks the icy wall of fear. It signals to everyone else in the space that this is a secure moment where it is okay to be honest. It dissolves the pressure and allows people to share their most genuine selves with each other.

It’s important to note that our truth is precious. Vulnerability is a wonderful thing. We must take care to protect it by utilizing it in harmony with boundaries. This means sharing our authentic feelings at times and places when it is appropriate. 

It is an inevitable truth that vulnerability comes with the risk of being hurt. We can minimize that risk by keeping boundaries, but we cannot avoid it. If you are in a situation where you feel it is okay to be vulnerable, it may be a good idea to start by asking everyone present to keep the conversation private. Communicating boundaries is a great way to safeguard ourselves.

The risk of vulnerability is part of what makes it so beautiful. When we are vulnerable to someone and they treat us with acceptance and respect, it means so much more because of the risk. Even just the act of being vulnerable is made more special and precious because of the risk we are taking. When we are vulnerable with someone we are saying “this relationship is worth it.”

The Power of Vulnerability in Action

At an event hosted by Utah Valley University, I had the privilege of hearing actor and former NFL star Terry Crews speak about his life. After he was introduced to the crowd of over 3,000 people with a summary of his impressive career and accomplishments, Terry walked on stage. With a sincere tone he said, “I’m going to share something that you probably weren’t expecting. I’m going to talk about my pornography addiction.” He proceeded to tell the audience what he had gone through and how he overcame it. 

His struggles with pornography had buried him in shame and misery for years and he laid it all out for us in earnest, hoping that his transparency would lift the burden of shame from others: and it did. Terry’s vulnerability in that moment (and across every platform where he has shared the story of his addiction) opened up the conversation for other people to seek support for their own struggles. His emotional openness undercut the shame and created a space full of compassion and connection. 

The feeling in that room was unexplainable. It was a feeling of togetherness, like we were all supporting each other.

He wasn’t talking directly to me, I was only 1 of the thousands of people that were there, but I still feel like I could confide in Terry. That’s how powerful vulnerability is. There is nothing better at creating trust and understanding between people than vulnerability. 

Terry is an exemplary example of vulnerability. He has been very vocal about his journey of overcoming a pornography addiction, talking about it on T.V. shows, podcasts, and his personal social media accounts. His honesty has strengthened his relationship with his wife and kids and inspired countless people to replace shame with empathy. 

Embracing vulnerability is the fastest and most effective way to build an authentic connection. Its power cuts through our reputational facades to reveal our humanity.

“There can be no vulnerability without risk; there can be no community without vulnerability; there can be no peace, and ultimately no life, without community.”
~ M. Scott Peck