The Black Man Who Befriended the Leader of the KKK

“We fear those things we do not understand. If we do not keep that fear in check, that fear, in turn, will breed hatred, because we hate those things that frighten us. If we do not keep that hatred in check, that hatred, in turn, will breed destruction. We want to destroy those things that we hate. Why? Because they cause us to be afraid.”

These are the words of Daryl Davis, a black man who befriended the national leader of the KKK, R. Kelly. As a child, the racial discrimination he encountered perplexed him. "How can they hate me when they don’t even know me?" He wondered. As Daryl tells it in his TEDx talk, he read and studied his way through piles of literature about black supremism, white supremism, german nazism, anti-semitism, and the KKK, trying to understand their ideology. And all of that information couldn’t answer his question: 

How can they hate me when they don’t even know me?

Daryl wanted to know the source of all of this strange anger directed at his skin color, because “once you learn where it comes from, you can then try to figure out how to address it and see where it’s going.”

Daryl Davis’ Story

How could a feeling as potent as hate spring from a detail as minor as the color of one’s skin? The books weren’t yielding the answer, so Daryl turned his attention to living sources. He asked his secretary to call up Roger Kelly, the national leader of the KKK, and ask for an interview. His secretary didn’t mention the color of her boss’ skin, saying only that her boss was writing a book about the KKK. (He really did write a book about his experiences with R. Kelly and the KKK. You can find it here.) Roger Kelly agreed to the interview.

Daryl didn’t know how Roger would react when he discovered that the man he agreed to talk to had dark skin, but Daryl hoped the meeting would be peaceful. Roger arrived at the interview with a bodyguard. Both he and his guard were shocked to see a black man waiting for them on the other side of the door, but to Daryl’s delight, the bodyguard shook his outstretched hand, and then Roger shook his hand. Daryl offered Roger a seat and the two sat down at a table together, the bodyguard standing at attention behind Roger's seat.

Daryl asked his questions and Roger listened and thoughtfully replied. Both men were wary of each other but respectfully listened as the other spoke. Then a strange crashing noise interrupted the conversation. Daryl jumped up, fearing for his life, ready to pounce on Roger and the guard. Roger turned an accusatory glare toward Daryl, and the guard reached for his holster. Everyone was tense and scared, not knowing what the sound meant.

After a tense moment, it became clear that the sound came from a bucket of ice in the corner. The bucket was full of soda cans that had shifted because the ice had melted, creating the strange cascading sound that had caused them all to become angry with one another.

In his talk, Daryl shared some powerful insight from that experience:

“All because some foreign entity, of which we were ignorant–being the bucket of ice and cans of soda–entered into our little comfort zone via the noise it made, we all became fearful and accusatory of one another. ”

Daryl and Roger continued to talk and get to know about one another’s lifestyles and beliefs. Roger started going to Daryl’s music gigs, and Daryl began attending KKK rallies. Seemingly against all odds, the two became the best of friends, and eventually, Roger’s friendship with Daryl led him to leave the KKK.

Daryl filled the gaps in Roger’s ignorance of the black community, and it dispelled Roger’s hatred and anger.

Anger and Ignorance

As Daryl’s story has demonstrated. Anger often masks other, more vulnerable, emotions: hurt, humiliation, insecurity, fear. Anger is a defense. So naturally, the antidote would be to get beyond that defense to whatever true, vulnerable problem might be hiding behind it. 

When either party remains ignorant of the actual issue, the anger remains unresolved because the actual issue remains unaddressed. The best way to resolve anger is by communicating. Daryl Davis agrees:

“What I’ve come to find to be the greatest and most effective and successful weapon that we can use known to man to combat such adversaries as ignorance, racism, hatred, violence, is also the least expensive weapon and the one that is the least used by Americans. That weapon is called communication.”

The Antidote to Anger is Curiosity

To get a little more specific, I like to say that curiosity is the antidote to anger because it goes beyond simple communication. Curiosity involves actively uncovering the feelings behind anger by asking questions. 

When met with anger from other people, I respond with something like “Thank you for bringing this up. I can tell that you’re passionate about it. I don’t quite understand what you’re feeling but I would like to. Can you explain more?” 

This alone usually shocks the anger right out of them. Once I get more information about why they feel angry, I like to prompt them to keep explaining at least 3 times to make certain I understand what’s going on. I use phrases like “tell me more” and “go deeper on that”. 

As I’m listening, I don’t add any of my own thoughts. That way I avoid making unhelpful judgments and assumptions about what the other person is experiencing. Instead, when I do respond, I respond reflectively to verify that I am understanding them correctly. For example, if someone is telling you that they were hurt by the way you ignored them at a house party, you could respond by saying, “You felt like I was ignoring you?” Reflecting is simply bouncing their words back to the other person to communicate to them how you are hearing their words.

Once I feel like I have thoroughly listened, I repeat back how I understood the problems they explained and then ask “Do you feel like I’m understanding this well?” If the answer is no, I continue with my questions and listen some more. If the answer is yes, we can move on to brainstorming solutions.

The Curiosity Model

1. Acknowledge the anger and kindly ask the angry individual to help you understand what they are feeling. (“Thank you for bringing this up. I can tell that you’re passionate about it. I don’t quite understand what you’re feeling but I would like to. Can you explain more?”
2. Listen reflectively. Tell them how you are understanding their words.
3. Prompt them to explain further 3 times. (“Tell me more”, “Go deeper on that”)
4. Repeat how you understood the problem and ask if you are understanding correctly. (“Do you feel like I’m understanding this well?”)
5. If they don’t feel understood, continue listening.
6. If they do feel understood move on to discussing how the problem can be resolved.
   

Understanding Disolves Anger

Like Daryl said, “once you learn where it comes from, you can then try to figure out how to address it and see where it’s going.” I’d like to add that having conversations to find out where anger comes from builds and rebuilds connections between people. Curiosity (communication) relieves anger and replaces it with connection. 

It is so important for each of us to feel understood and valued. Anger is often a huge blaring sign that those needs aren’t being met. Curiosity is the way past that defense to the heart of the problem. If we all got a little more curious about other people, there would be less animosity and more empathy.