The Anger Pendulum

Imagine there is a man named David. David has had some issues keeping his temper in check and is determined to change. So when his wife, Lynsey, pokes fun at him in front of her family, he swallows his irritation. He does his best to shove the feeling away, telling himself that “it’s not a big deal”. 

Well, David succeeds in his endeavor to avoid lashing out… for a while. Each time he feels any sort of frustration or irritation, he pushes the feeling far from his thoughts. However, instead of the feelings rolling off his back, they build into a bitter mass of resentment. 

David tries to avoid lashing out by denying his feelings, except both of those reactions are unhealthy extremes.

The opposite of uncentered is uncentered. Extreme is still extreme regardless of which side of the pendulum it's on.

What David needs is to find a healthy balance.

On psychologytoday.com, Gregg Henriques Ph.D. and Marcia Gralha authored an article titled “Where Are You on the Emotional Pendulum?” They used the “emotional pendulum” metaphor to describe the relationship between the extremes of emotional responses and the balanced, middle ground. 

The middle of the pendulum is a place of balanced emotional regulation. To the left is under-regulation, and to the right is over-regulation.

Henriques and Gralha explain that “the under-regulated side signifies being overwhelmed and acting out impulsively. The over-regulated side represents being cut off from one's emotional life. The center is the sweet spot of being aware and attuned, while also adaptively regulating one's emotions.”

The Anger Pendulum

When applied to anger specifically, the model looks like this:

• When we are overwhelmed by hurt and lash out, that’s aggression.
• When we shove our hurt away and deny that we are feeling it, that’s suppression.
• When we stay calm, and express our hurt at an appropriate time, that’s expression.
  
  

Aggression

Aggression is the typical response we think of when talking about anger. It’s the (emotionally and/or physically) destructive response. When someone perceives an injustice and is overwhelmed by what they are feeling, they may react impulsively. 

This response is fueled by a need to punish and control other people; it is driven by hate.

Suppression

Suppression is the opposite of aggression. When trying to tame their temper, people often swing to suppression (like in David's example). The issue is that suppression is just as unhealthy as aggression, simply in a different way. When we suppress our emotions, we resist them. We deny that we are feeling them and in the hope that they will disappear. 

In the case of anger, we suppress the hurt we feel about a perceived injustice. We may try to tell ourselves that it isn’t a big deal, or that we can’t do anything about the problem anyway, and push it away. It is healthy for us to regulate our behavior, however it is not healthy to dismiss our emotions. Emotional hurt needs to be addressed, not suppressed.

The suppression of anger often turns into a resentment of the cause of the anger (or of things associated with the cause). If we suppress anger linked to the way another person has treated us, it is likely we’ll still feel bitterness toward that person. 

The most serious danger of suppression is the toll it takes on our self-worth. 

When we deny our own feelings, we are invalidating them. It’s like telling our brains that our feelings aren’t real and that they do not matter; which leads to patterns of overlooking our own needs.

When we feel hurt, it doesn’t matter if the perceived injustice that caused it is real or not, the hurt is real and it deserves to be addressed. 

Aggression and suppression are both destructive extremes. Luckily for us, there is a third alternative– expression

Expression

When we notice an injustice, those feelings need to be expressed in a healthy, constructive way (instead of an unregulated, destructive way). Expression is the balanced middle ground, where we regulate our emotions without ignoring them. It is centered, that’s what makes it authentic.

Expression is a mix of acceptance and honesty. Expression sits on a foundation of accepting that all our emotions are valid and is upheld by a framework of being honest about what is within our power. 

It’s not bad to feel anger. It’s an unavoidable part of being human. The first step is accepting that. The second step is being honest with yourself about what is within your power: 

• Excuse yourself from the situation. 
• Discuss your feelings with the people involved if there is a boundary that needs to be set. 
• Discuss your feelings with a trusted friend or a therapist. 
• Breathe deeply or exercise to regulate your nervous system.
  
  

Expression is fueled by love. Love for oneself as well as everyone else affected by the injustice (on both sides). It seeks peace between both sides. 

Find a way to address what you are feeling so you are able to move on without the weight of anger. When we stop swinging to the extremes and find that authentic center, we invite more peace into our lives.