Overcome Shame with 7 Steps

Human beings learn by experience, so it is natural for us to make mistakes. Taking wrong turns is a valuable part of the growing process. 

Shame is the enemy of growth. Nothing stunts our progress better than shame. It sucks the air out of motivation and pokes holes in our inspiration until we deflate completely. Shame attacks our self-worth until we are convinced that we are not meant to go on. We are! We are meant for great things! Shame is a liar. Throw it out of your life.

The following 7 steps will help you build healthy habits when addressing mistakes. Feelings of shame enter our lives through a variety of different avenues, but this article focuses in on shame that is connected to mistakes. If you struggle to accept your mistakes and move on to become better and healthier, read on!

Guilt plays an instrumental role in these 7 steps. Don’t get guilt confused with shame. Healthy guilt views the mistake with responsibility, compassion, and hope. It addresses the real problems with what has happened and extends grace, allowing us to move beyond the mistake.

The 7 Steps to Overcome Shame:

• Recognize

• Remorse

• Reveal

• Responsibility

• Restore

• Release

• Rewrite

  
  

Recognize the Wrong

So you’ve made a mistake. That’s okay, it’s a perfectly normal part of progressing through life. But it doesn’t do you any good if you don’t use it to grow– growing is the whole reason we are here on this earth! We are here to become something greater than we were before. 

The first step to turning a mistake into growth is recognizing the wrong. This is the reality check, the moment we step back and view the situation with a realistic perspective. The key word here is reality. 

Shame attempts to distort our view of the events and bury us in condemnation. The reality is that we are not responsible for the actions of other people and our worth is not dependent upon how favorably or unfavorably we act. We are not responsible for the actions/reactions of other people and our worth is unchanging.

When we recognize a wrong, we acknowledge our own actions to be wrong. We do not make excuses and we do not attribute the mistake to our worth or character. The action was wrong; it does not mean that there is something wrong or broken about your worth or character. 

You are a good/competent/kind/knowledgable person who has stumbled and maybe even fallen. 

There is no shame in that because to be human is to make mistakes.

 

Remorse Let Yourself Feel Guilt

Guilt is a necessary part of turning mistakes into growth. It is important to note that guilt and shame are fundamentally different. Shame punishes and reinforces the belief that the person feeling it does not have value (do you see how that is harmful?). On the other hand, guilt alerts us of behaviors that do not align with our values and motivates us to repair them (do you see how that facilitates growth?).

Shame is unhelpful. We don’t need it in our lives.
Guilt helps us live more authentically because it helps us live in line with our values.

The pain of guilt is unpleasant, but ultimately beneficial because after we feel the pain we are able to grow and leave the guilt behind.

There are many, many beneficial growth processes that begin by causing adverse effects, the most well-known being exercise. The immediate effects of exercise are unpleasant (fatigue, shortness of breath, sweating, increased heart rate). However, the immediate effects don’t last, the long-term effects do. The long-term effects of exercise (strong bones and muscles, healthy organ functioning, decreased anxiety and depression) are very beneficial for our health and they even mitigate the adverse immediate effects to some degree.

Guilt works in a similar way. The immediate effects are unpleasant (embarrassment, disappointment, fear), but they fade. And the long-term effects are beneficial (stronger trust within the self and relationships, learning, increased resilience).

The feeling of guilt alerts us that our behavior was not in line with our values and ties that behavior to an unpleasant emotional experience to create a stronger memory (so we will be less likely to repeat the behavior). Growth is uncomfortable. Embrace it.

Reveal Bring it to Light

Shame tries to convince us that we must hide our mistakes, so to combat that, we embrace them. Remember, our mistakes have nothing to do with our worth or character. We can be honest about our mistakes and remain sure that our worth remains unchanged.

Revealing our mistakes dissolves the isolation of shame, and connects us to other people. We have all made wrong turns whether big or small. No one is alone in this.

“Shame loses power when it is spoken”
~Brené Brown

 

Responsibility be 100% Accountable

We are responsible for our own actions and not one else’s. Even if our actions are what prompted the actions of other people, we are not responsible for others’ behavior. Be accountable for your own actions and accept the consequences.

 

Restore Make Them Whole

Do what you can to repair and repay. This will look different in every situation, but it usually consists of an apology (maybe a few) and a change in future behavior. Do what you can to repair the trust that was broken by behaving in a way that shows you are trustworthy.

 

Release Surrender it to God

At this point, if you have followed the rest of the steps, then you have done all you can. Now it is time to let go of the guilt and surrender it to God. Release the weight of your mistake and have confidence in your growth. 

If you have done all that you have moved through all of the previous steps and still feel bad, that’s shame. You can let it go. 

 

Rewrite your Story with Grace

Shame loves to make us relive our mistakes, pick apart every wrong step, and cover us in blame over and over and over until the weight is crushing. Reliving a mistake over and over is unnecessary. We only need to do it once.

After you have surrendered the guilt (and any lingering shame), go back to the situation in your mind. This time, view yourself with objective compassion and understanding. You chose to do something that you wish you didn’t do. That’s okay, you are human. Release all judgments and refrain from analyzing your wrongdoing (you’ve moved beyond it already). Instead, imagine how you wish you would have behaved. Rewrite the moment to be healthier and in line with your values. 

You are capable of being the person that reacts in that healthier way, because you now possess the knowledge and tools you need to do so. 

Guilt facilitates growth, allowing us to live in truth. In other words, guilt helps us to live in authenticity.

Guilt allows us to move forward with a clean conscience. Hold your head high and embrace the gift of guilt.

For a deeper dive into the power of guilt, try our self-paced course here.

Related articles:

• Guilt vs. Shame

• What is the Difference Between Guilt and Shame?