Make Anger Your Ally

“Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean.”
~ Maya Angelou

The Purposes of Anger

• Alert us that something is wrong
• Energize us to address the threat
  
  

Anger is a survival mechanism. It alerts us that something is wrong and prepares the body to fight back. It’s a fire that flares up very quickly. We can’t change the nature of anger, but we do get to choose how we respond. We can either let the fire of anger explode into rage or contain it and use it as fuel to motivate change (change within ourselves and change in our relationships and circumstances).

Anger can often feel like a stumbling block that hurts more than helps. We see anger painted in this way throughout many different religions and philosophies. In Buddhism, anger is one of the six root Kleshas; it’s a conflicting emotion that causes us and others suffering. In Christianity, anger (wrath) is one of the seven deadly sins. The famous Stoic Seneca believed that anger was harmful and needed to be abolished. He thought that anger disrupted reason, and led to poor judgment and actions. 

It cannot be said that anger isn’t harmful. It has a great potential to be destructive. However, it is not inherently harmful. In fact, anger is designed to serve us. Anger is not an enemy we need to lock up. It is a blazing fire that needs to be harnessed. 

Anger can be turned into a powerful ally with advocacy. Advocacy is the method by which we harness and regulate anger’s power. It is taking a thoughtful, peaceful approach to expressing anger.

The Toddler Metaphor

Let’s take a look at advocacy in action with a metaphor about a toddler in a car seat. 

Davis was driving down the road, on his way back from the park. His 2-year-old son, Mikey, was in the back without a car seat and without a seat belt. Alarm bells are probably going off in your head right now, and for good reason! Not only is that extremely dangerous for Mikey, it’s also dangerous for Davis! And that became intensely clear when Mikey decided he was mad they were leaving the park.

In just a few seconds, Mikey went from 0 to 100. He was wailing and kicking and throwing himself around the backseat (you know how it is with toddlers). Davis had no idea what had suddenly made Mikey so upset (furious children aren’t known for their communication skills). He got his answer when Mikey climbed onto his lap, grabbed the wheel, and yanked it to the side. 

Davis fought to keep control of the car while Mikey screeched “Park!” and the care veered off the road into a ditch. What a nightmare, right? No 2-year-old should ever drive a car, especially when they’re upset.

In an alternate scenario, Davis has buckled Mikey into a car seat.

Mikey still wanted to go to the park and threw a fit, but this time he couldn’t interfere with the driver. Which as we know from the last scenario, is a blessing. With Mikey in his car seat, the problem wasn’t as dire, but It was still a problem. Mikey shrieked and flailed from his seat and Davis struggled to focus on the road. Davis still could not figure out why Mikey was so upset and Mikey was too distraught to explain. So Davis had to just deal with the overwhelming onslaught of Mikey’s tantrum the entire way home; definitely not the ideal way to travel. 

There’s one more alternate scenario. This time, Davis’ wife, Lynsea, was with them. 

Mikey was buckled securely into his seat, Davis was at the wheel, and Lynsea was next to him in the passenger seat. When Mikey started wailing, Lynsea turned around to comfort him and Davis kept his eyes on the road. Lynsea was able to soothe Mikey and ask him what was wrong She then explained the situation to Davis. “He wants to go back to the park because he thinks being at home is boring.” She said. “Maybe we can play a game together when we get back. He might like that.”

Lynsea was able to calm Mikey, translate the trigger behind Mikey’s tantrum to Davis, and look for peaceful solutions to the issue. And Davis was able to keep control of the car.

Buckle Anger into its Car Seat

How does this story show us advocacy in action? 

• The car is your mind/body and you are the one driving it. You are in control of your decisions. 
• Mikey, the toddler, is anger. 
• And Lynsea, the spouse, is advocacy. 

It is a terrible idea to let a toddler drive, and it is also a terrible idea to let anger drive (aka, it is a terrible idea to give in to aggression). It is also a bad idea to put anger in the trunk (aka, it is a bad idea to suppress it). When we suppress anger, it remains unaddressed and eventually boils over to explode into rage.

Anger needs to be secured in the backseat and you need to be careful to not let anger’s passion cloud your judgment. It is crucial that anger is calmed down and let go as soon as possible. Keep the trigger with you. The trigger of your anger reveals the problems that your anger was trying to fight. You need that information to find a solution. That’s where advocacy comes in. 

Advocacy is also not driving. It’s not there to take control of the car. Instead, advocacy’s job is to bridle anger’s energy and translate it into measured, constructive actions.

Advocacy is the navigator. It calms anger and converts the emotion into mindful directions. It turns anger into an ally and aggression/suppression into healthy expression.

Buckle your anger into a car seat by excusing yourself from the situation when you feel your anger start to rise. Use the techniques from last week’s post to calm the physical response of anger (increased heart rate, sharpened vision… etc.). And then use advocacy to decide how you can address the issue in a peaceful, constructive way. 

To learn more about advocacy, click here.