Lust is Not Love

Physical attraction and passion are undoubtedly important to romantic love (eros). Lust, on the other hand, has no place in a truly loving relationship. Lust is not just physical attraction or sexual passion. Attraction and passion play a role in lust, but lust is more accurately defined as a selfish desire to satisfy one’s own desires. 

That is how I differentiate between lust and love: lust takes and love gives.

Lust is subtly destructive and can have devastating effects on the relationships in your life. To live a more authentic life (a more peaceful life), we can learn to recognize lust and remove it from our lives. 

Authentic emotions lead to connection and counterfeit emotions lead to patterns of disconnection. In this case, love is authentic and lust is counterfeit.

There are four criteria that I use to distinguish authentic emotions from counterfeit emotions. 

• Connection: Does this emotion connect or divide? (Authentic emotions connect you to other people, a purpose, and/or God.)
• Direction: Where does this emotion point us? (Authentic emotions direct you toward healthy progress-- whether that be within a relationship, a social issue, or your own health.)
• Motivation: What is the driving force behind this emotion? (Authentic emotions are motivated by love and surrender.)
• Valuation: How does this emotion affect the way we perceive the value of ourselves and other people? (Authentic emotions allow us to view ourselves and others with respect for their divine worth.)

(To make these criteria easy to remember, I like to call them C the DMV.)

When we apply these criteria to lust and love, it’s clear why lust is the counterfeit.

Lust

Connection
Does this emotion connect or divide?

Lust disconnects. It disconnects us from ourselves, other people, God, and truth. Lust warps our view of the world and reduces us to our selfish desires. 

Direction
Where does this emotion point us?

Lust points us inward. It frames one’s own self as the most important thing in the world and turns you from meaningful connections with other people. Lust isolates and feeds on itself. In order for lust to survive, it must get more and more of what it craves, it is never satisfied. It very quickly becomes a destructive addiction.

Motivation
What is the driving force behind this emotion?

Lust is fueled by fear, control, and self-gratification. Lust warps our view of ourselves, saying  “I’m not enough and therefore I need [thing that satisfies my lust] to fill in the rest.” When we feel isolated, rejected, or lonely, we look for things that give us a sense of control back. Lust is an enticing trap for people who feel out of control because it readily offers an easily accessible false sense of control.

Valuation
How does this emotion affect the way we perceive the value of ourselves and other people?

You cannot lust after someone without first objectifying them. Lust does not see the whole person, it only sees a means to an end. This aspect of lust may be the most devastating. While love views people as valuable beings to build a connection with, lust views people as objects to take from.

Love

Connection
Does this emotion connect or divide?

Love is the great connector because it freely gives. Love brings us closer to God, each other, and even ourselves. It compels us to understand, forgive, and support each other with no strings attached.

Direction
Where does this emotion point us?

Love shifts our perspective from selfishness to selflessness. When we feel love, conflict and trivial cares dissipate and our view of the world is more hopeful, grateful, and inspired. Love elevates us to a higher purpose and points us in the direction of peace.

Motivation
What is the driving force behind this emotion?

Love is motivated by love. It has no ulterior motive. It only seeks to be connected to something greater than itself.

Valuation
How does this emotion affect the way we perceive the value of ourselves and other people?

Love views people as invaluable or priceless. It understands that every human soul is precious, and therefore, every human soul deserves mercy, compassion, and happiness.

Love gives freely. Lust takes selfishly.