Life Isn’t Fair and It's a Good Thing

Years ago, I was sitting in the office of my life coach ranting about one of the hardest trials of my life. I never expected to be in the situation I was in. It was almost unthinkable how things were playing out. Many legitimate injustices were committed against me by another person I had trusted for most of my adult life. 

“I can’t believe they are doing this.” I sputtered. “It’s not fair!”

 My life coach looked at me calmly and responded, “You don’t want fair.”

“What do you mean? Of course, I want it to be fair.”

The important truth that my life coach was sharing with me is one that I will never forget. In fact, I have completely stopped using the words ‘fair’ and ‘unfair’ to describe things in my life.

My friend and life coach asked me, “Have you ever made a mistake in your life?”
Of course, I had. Many, many times.

“In a fair life, [this person whom you had trusted] would pay a fair price for every misstep and so would you. Fair goes both ways and it doesn't seem like you want ‘fair’ for yourself only for the other person.”

This really struck me because it was true.

 She continued, “The truth is, you don’t really want fair. You want mercy.”

Fairness Excludes Forgiveness

In a fair world, everyone would get plenty of justice and no one would receive mercy. I would like to add a disclaimer here, I am not championing a world without justice. We need a balance of justice and mercy, a world that sets appropriate consequences for criminals, advocates for the oppressed, and also forgives the repentant. 

Forgiveness is not allowed within the bounds of fairness. Fairness says all must pay the full consequences for their actions without mercy. But without forgiveness, we cannot make amends or change our lives for the better. Mistakes can already be considerably staining, but in a fair world, every mistake would stick to us like a dark splotch of tar.

Human beings learn and grow by experience– trial and error. Which means mistakes are unavoidable and even necessary. 

This life is not fair and it was never meant to be. This life is custom-tailored to meet the specific needs of growth and learning for each individual. Life is unfair because we each need different experiences to grow. Life is not happening to us. Life is happening for us. Read the last two sentences again. We get custom challenges made just FOR us.

Mercy is not fair. The beauty of an unfair world is that it allows us to transcend. We transcend our stagnation and our past mistakes and become greater because of them. It gives us endless opportunities to course-correct and build a life of joy and peace for ourselves… despite our mistakes. 

"I have always found that mercy bears richer fruits than strict justice."
~ Abraham Lincoln

Fairness is a Straight Shot to Anger

Most of the time, the phrase “that’s not fair” is followed directly by an expression of anger. “That’s not fair” is an indication that you have compared yourself to another person and have deemed yourself a victim because you have “less”. “That’s not fair” is the victim’s mantra. These words fuel and refuel the bitterness that weighs them down. 

If I were to compare myself to every person in my life and pick out things they have that I think I deserve to have too, I would be in a very miserable mood. If that were my mindset all the time, it probably wouldn’t take much for me to boil over. I’d be lashing out all the time trying to punish other people for the “unfairness” I feel has been inflicted upon me.

That is no way to live. I don’t want to spend my life angry at the world for “making” me a “victim”.

We have individual identities because life is not fair– because we are not the same. I don’t want to disparage that gift by being bitter about something that someone else has. I am on my own journey, being shaped by my unique experiences and that is a beautiful thing. I don’t want fairness.

Victim vs. Victor is the Difference Between Fairness and Forgiveness

Seeking fairness causes us to compare ourselves to others instead of seeking the great abundance waiting within our own potential. We pick out things others have that we "should" have. This is the victim mentality, viewing ourselves as suffering and “less than” in comparison to other people. 

The victim mentality breeds resentment because it uses the circumstances of other people to define itself as “suffering” and then characterize those people as entitled, painting them in a distasteful light. 

A “victim” uses other people to excuse themself from taking responsibility.

The victor mentality lets go of comparison and forgives others (and ourselves) regardless of the circumstances. In the victor mentality, no one is being punished and no one deserves punishment. Other people are not worthy of disdain because they have something we don’t. Victors celebrate the abundance of life for everyone. “Fairness” creates an attitude of helpless suffering.  

A “victor” takes responsibility for what is within their power. 

Flextalk.org agrees with the comparison factor that divides the victims from the victors. “A victim will blame others, while a victor will look to himself. Someone with a victim mentality will say to himself, ‘Look what others have done to me.’ On the other hand, someone with a victor mentality will try to change the situation by looking for what he can do for himself.”

A fair world, one where justice prevails and mercy does not exist, is a miserable world. Each of our lives requires a balance of justice and mercy so we can learn from our experiences and become better through them. The lack of fairness is beautiful and why we get to leave our mistakes in the past. 

Because of the kindness of my life coach, I was able to step out of my self-inflicted suffering and tap into my power to make a real difference in the situation. In my life, this attitude has been a dramatic influence for good. No, life isn’t fair, and that’s a beautiful thing.