I Wish You Pain

Go watch this music video by Andy Grammar first and then come back and finish the article. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BYjP85DQtqE

♫ I hope people break their promises and leave you in the cold ♫
♫ I hope they beat your heart to pieces ♫
♫ Worse than you’ve ever known ♫
♫ I hope you finally arrive ♫
♫ Only to find you’re nowhere close ♫

You’d begin to think that Andy Grammer might’ve picked up the wrong notebook while writing this song with such seemingly cruel lyrics. But, if you were to stop with those first lines, you’d actually miss out on the incredibly powerful lesson of how to deal with severe emotional pain. Keep listening to understand how to cope when the pain gets too much?

Do I want you to suffer?

• No.

Do I want you to hurt?

• No.

So why would Andy Grammar and I both want you to feel pain?

Because,

I wish you growth.
I wish you learning. 
I wish you expansion.
I wish you this beautifully hard experience called life.
I wish for you to reach your full potential.
I wish you more than you now have and are.
I wish you gain.
I wish you strength.
I wish you greatness.
I wish you empathy.
I wish you authenticity.

And most of all...

I wish you love and joy.

This is why - I wish you pain.

He’s right! It does "sound strange" ...at first. It really doesn’t make much sense. Pain hurts. A LOT! If you are feeling that pain right now, I'm sorry. I know how badly it can hurt. But, what if pain is not the villain we make it out to be? What if pain is a teacher, guiding us towards a stronger, more compassionate, and more authentic version of ourselves? What if the pain is a reminder of love? What if pain isn't a bad thing but is actually for our good?

Is there Purpose in Pain?

This question has puzzled so many of the greatest minds throughout history.

In his book The Problem of Pain, C.S. Lewis wrestled with one of life's biggest questions: Why would a loving, omnipotent God allow suffering?

His answer? Pain wakes us up.
Lewis writes:

“We can ignore even pleasure. But pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world.”  (Lewis, 1940, p. 91)

Pain cuts through the noise. Pain can't be ignored. It shakes us out of our complacency, stripping away the illusion that we have control over anything. It’s in those broken moments we often realize our deepest truths—whether about ourselves, our relationships, or our connection to something greater.

Pain has the power to reveal where we’ve grown too comfortable, too self-sufficient, and too disconnected from what matters most. The purpose of this life is not comfort. We are intended to grow. We are expected to become more every day. Pain shows us with extreme clarity where we have chance to grow. The fastest way to growth is through pain.

Andy Grammar asked this question to his fans. and look at the beautiful pain ...and growth they experienced:

Here's another example of finding purpose in pain

The grief can be heartbreaking and that's what builds compassion and empathy for others in pain

The Link Between Pain, Love, and Joy

Your capacity to love and your capacity to feel pain are inexorably tied together. They are two sides of the same balloon. Imagine a balloon with the word Pain on one side written larger than your hand. This balloon represents the emotions in your soul. In life, we try to minimize pain so that we don't have to feel it. We do this by numbing our emotions with distraction, doom scrolling, and pretending to ignore this intense emotion. Some of us are really good at letting the air/breath that fills(feels) our balloon out. We shrink the size of the balloon so the pain shrinks. What we don't realize is that we can't shrink only one side of the balloon. The whole thing shrinks...and the other side of the balloon is love and joy. When we shrink(read suppress) our capacity to feel pain, we limit our capacity to feel. Period. 

I was taught this lesson in college but didn't learn it until I experienced the deepest pain of in my life. In our friend group was a beautiful, spunky, and caring girl that everyone loved named Tacie. She was engaged to be married, and we were all so happy for her. Tacie and I talked the night before her big day. The next day came, and my friend "Big Wave Dave" and I drove to the church where the reception was being held. To our surprise, the church was completely dark. We thought we might have had the wrong church (which in Orem, Utah, is easy since there is a church on every other block.) We drove around to several other churches nearby without any luck. We found ourselves back at the original church house and this time I decided to walk up to the door. I found taped to the glass door an 8 1/2 x 11 sheet of paper apologizing for the inconvenience of the Stewart wedding being called off. My heart sank. Just the day before Tacie and I talked about how happy she was.

The next day I called her house and her mom kindly said that it was too soon and to call back in a few days. I did, and this time, her mom shared that Tacie was at the family business, Stewart's Floral. I drove down to the little flower shop and parked in the gravel lot. I walked inside pushing the swinging glass door past the bell hanging above it. The fragrant musty smell of flowers filled my nose as the gentle jingle alerted Tacie that someone had just come in. She was facing away from the door, arranging a beautiful bouquet. When she turned around and saw me, the tears started to flow freely. I ran behind the counter and held her as we both sank to the floor.

We wept together without any words. I felt her pain deeply in my soul. The grief was immense. After many minutes and many tears shed together. I spoke what I thought were comforting words, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." More of the sorrow dripped out of her eyes. Then I said, "I wish I could take this pain away from you."

Instantly, Tacie stopped and looked directly into my eyes, saying, "No. No, Curtis. If you take the pain away, you have to take away the love. I never want to forget the love."

Only decades later would I understand the profound truth of these divine words. When we open our hearts to love and the accompanying vulnerability we open ourselves to pain. Likewise, when we open ourselves up to pain, we allow ourselves to love and feel joy more deeply. 

It's time to stop fearing pain and instead start feeling pain. Feel it deeply, and let it drip out your eyes. Listen to the pain in the sobs of your broken heart. Let it refine you. Honor and show gratitude for the pain so that it can become your greatest mentor. Everything you want is just outside your comfort zone, and the area just outside your comfort zone is full of beautiful pain.

The Gift of Pain

Andy Grammer sings:

♫ Cause everything that matters most ♫
♫ I swear it goes by a different name ♫
♫ I know that it might sound strange ♫
♫ But I wish you pain ♫

Pain, by any name, means that the other side of the balloon has love. It may come uninvited, but when we honor it—when we surrender to the experience and honor the pain—it refines us. It teaches us resilience, empathy, courage, and love.

So next time life hurts, take a breath. You’re not broken. You’re being shaped and molded into exactly the person you are meant to become.

Related Articles on Pain:

Embracing Life’s Unfairness for Personal Growth

Running Toward a Life Without Misery

 Learn more by taking the Pain vs. Misery  5-day Masterclass 

References
Lewis, C. S. (1940). The problem of pain. HarperOne