Guilt vs. Shame
Oct 24, 2024
Guilt vs. shame is a topic with spikes. It’s coated in painful misconceptions. In colloquial terms, guilt and shame are both bad and most people use them as synonyms. However, I believe it is important to distinguish the two. It is not guilt and shame, it is guilt vs. shame.
The reason the misconceptions between the emotions of guilt and shame persist is that language is messy. The meaning of a word is not fixed. Language is essentially a living thing that ebbs and flows and changes to fit the needs of the communicator. Words mean what people understand them to mean. So if guilt is being talked about and understood as being the same feeling as shame, things get messy.
For now, forget the way you commonly hear the word “guilt”. Forget the phrase “guilt trip” and erase all the times you’ve been told “don’t feel guilty”. Because the truth of the matter is that there are two distinct emotional experiences here that we must name in order to discuss. One we call guilt and the other we call shame. And while the meaning of the words themselves may ebb and flow, the emotional experiences that I will refer to as “guilt” and “shame” remain the same.
Guilt vs. shame is such an important topic because it separates the two emotions from each other, giving us a clearer way to peace. The path is simpler than you think.
SHAME
Let’s start with shame. If I had to guess, I’d say that you’re probably very familiar with this pervasive emotion. Shame has largely overshadowed the meaning of and power in guilt. Because it feels much the same at first, shame is often confused with guilt and vice versa. And because shame lingers when guilt leaves, it is (arguably) the more memorable of the two. So it often takes over the conversation, bathing the benefits of guilt in an unfavorable light.
Shame is all of the destructive things that guilt commonly gets blamed for. It attacks our self worth, tears at our confidence, and deflates our motivation. It perpetuates terrible beliefs about ourselves and our purpose.
As you will learn in the section about guilt, guilt is meant to be let go of. We are not meant to hold on to guilt. Its purpose is to course-correct and then get out of the way. Shame, however, likes to dig its claws in and stay.
When we feel shame, it is our mind’s attempt to punish us because we believe we deserve punishment. I know what you are thinking: Isn’t that what guilt is too?
No. Guilt’s purpose is not to punish, it is to repair; guilt does not attack our worth.
Guilt’s purpose is to help us recognize our mistakes and resolve them. Shame is an unhelpful habit that comes from the belief that “when we make a mistake we deserve to be punished”. This is not a helpful belief and shame is not a helpful response.
Shame pulls us down in a spiral of despair. It pokes holes in our worth until we believe that we are worth nothing. It is not healthy.
GUILT
Guilt is an unpleasant feeling. There is no getting around that. However, it is important to understand that guilt is authentic and healthy. It serves a purpose that benefits us.
Guilt functions as an alarm system that lets us know when we have acted in a way that does not align with our values. It helps us identify mistakes so that we can correct them and turn ourselves back the value-paved path we want to be on.
Guilt sounds like, “I made a mistake.”
Shame sounds like, “I am a mistake.”
Shame uses our mistakes to attack our worth.
Guilt is felt when we accept that our actions have no impact on our worth. When we feel guilt, we understand that it is important to acknowledge mistakes because they are a crucial part of learning.
We are here to learn! Let guilt steer you back to where you want to be and then let it go.
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