Eight Empowering Ways to Help Your Man Overcome Pornography

guilt vs. shame recovery vs. sobriety Jan 16, 2025
Couple hugging after healing conversation about pornography

When a husband or boyfriend struggles with unwanted pornography viewing, it can be deeply painful and challenging for a woman. Please know his behavior is not your fault, it is not your responsibility, and yet it is an opportunity. Your support can play a significant role in his journey toward healing and true recovery. It is easy to think that there is something you could have done to prevent this or if you dressed up more, wore different makeup or were better in the bedroom he wouldn’t have this issue. This is not true. In fact, this challenge doesn’t have anything to do with you and it has very little to do with pornography. Most men aren’t addicted to pornography, they are addicted to shame. Regardless of the reason someone starts looking at pornography, the reason they stay in the patterns is because shame keeps them trapped in the same cycles of destructive behavior. Breaking the shame cycle releases that person from the need for the behavior.

Recently as part of an eight week recovery program I asked some amazing spouses to come talk to the group about what wives can do to help(not fix) their husbands with this challenge.

Here are eight practical ways to help your husband while maintaining your own emotional health:

    1. Eliminate Shame
      Shame is at the heart of the behavior(not pornography) and adding judgment to the behavior makes it more challenging to overcome. Usually when men disclose this unwanted behavior they are doing this to ask for help, to connect with their partner, and to make a change. This will likely be the most vulnerable your man has ever been. Give him a safe place to be seen and accepted.
      Instead of looking shocked, appalled, or disgusted, you can use this simple word, “Ok.” followed by, “How can I help?” This shows your support without judgment or shaming. It shows you truly want to support his changes and continue to love him. After you know his plan for change, don’t police him. True recovery requires him to do this for himself. He will never recover fully by doing this for you. You are his partner, not his therapist or accountability coach. While you can offer encouragement and empathy, he must take responsibility for his recovery. Resist the urge to monitor his every move or assume the burden of his healing.

    2. Lean In
      One of the most beautiful things you can say to your husband is, “I’m here.” Add to that, “Let’s figure this out together.” and it can be life changing for him. Letting him know you’re on his side to fight this challenge together eliminates the need he may feel to hide the behavior and isolate. Leaning in creates a sense of safety where he can be vulnerable and really dig into the triggering emotions and events that lead to the behavior. Focus on your emotional connection. Pornography addiction can create emotional distance in a relationship. Work on rebuilding all the pillars of intimacy through open communication, quality time, and shared activities. Focusing on strengthening your bond can help both of you feel more connected and invested in the healing process.

    3. Row Your Own Boat
      Don’t feel like you have to be in the same boat as your man. Codependent relationships are defined by the philosophy that we float or drown together rather than letting each person be healthy and independent from the other while rowing our own boats together in the same direction. The book The Missing Piece Meets the Big O by Shel Silverstein is a beautiful little tale of how to have love and connection without codependence. Do your own work and really understand the truths about pornography viewing and dispel the myths that so frequently accompany this discussion. This will empower you to know how to help best.
    4. Don't Blame Yourself 

This is so easy to do. It is in no way your fault. This is an issue of the shame inside your partner. He has probably been carrying this for years before he met you. It would be easy to say if I were prettier, or I loved him more, or I was a better wife/girlfriend that he wouldn’t have this problem. This is a lie that doesn’t serve you. Your man’s struggles with pornography are not a reflection of your worth, attractiveness, or value as a spouse or girlfriend. His behavior has nothing to do with you. It is an issue of him not being able to process emotions like shame, fear, and pain in healthy ways.

5. Get Curious With Him and Yourself

One of the best things you can do for him and for you is to dig into the trigger for each of you.What was his trigger before the unwanted behavior. Allow him to teach you what he’s learning about himself. It may be tempting to talk about the viewing behavior and barrage him with questions about the details of his viewing. This won’t help him or you. Instead, focus on the emotions before the unwanted behavior. Find out the triggers and address that. Once the trigger is no longer a trigger the behavior will no longer be a behavior. This is where he will make significant progress toward healing. Then, ask yourself what stories make it triggering for you. What fears are you experiencing each time a lapse in judgment happens?

6. Give Yourself Grace and Let Yourself Feel What You’re Feeling
Your emotions are valid and need to be addressed and expressed in healthy ways. Feel each emotion deeply. Suppressing those emotions can lead to resentment and even health issues. If needed, find a good therapist or healing program for yourself. The truly helpful ones will be a counselor or program that specializes in recovery and not just sobriety. Work through your unique set of emotions. Practice daily self care including breathing, exercise, proper nutrition, journaling, meditation, and rest. When big waves of emotions do come up (even when you thought you had already worked through them) give yourself permission to feel and then move on to step seven.

 7. Find a Friend to Talk to When You're Triggered
Find a grounded friend to talk to other than your husband or boyfriend (until you're both in centered places). Just like you are not responsible for your partner's emotions or actions, he is not responsible for yours. Sometimes you need a trusted confidante to be a sounding board to work through and understand some big emotions you may be feeling before coming back together with your partner. Choosing a centered friend that will help you see truth in love is critical. Avoid bashing your partner when talking to a friend as that will be destructive to the relationship.

Once you and he both get centered and feel that you can approach the issues from a neutral place, then address the concerns together. Instead of coming from a combative place, both of you are working for a solution. Instead of blaming or seeing him as the enemy you can get the assistance of a friend to help you get on the same side as your partner.

 8. Celebrate Progress Together
Recovery is a journey, and small victories matter. Celebrate milestones together. For example, a breakthrough in therapy or processing a trigger so it no longer leads to the behavior.. Acknowledging progress can build hope and reinforce positive change. It will also show that you are invested in his progress and you want to go on this journey together.

 

For additional resources here is Britt Mai’s recommended book list:

1) Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction (R. Weiss)

2) Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal (B. Steffens and M. Means)

3) Mending a Shattered Heart: A Guide for Partners of Sex Addicts (ed. by S. Carnes) (Britt recommends starting with this one if the betrayal discovery is recent, you’re feeling overwhelmed, and wondering where to begin!)

4) Moving Beyond Betrayal: The 5-Step Boundary Solution for Partners of Sex Addicts (V. Tidwell Palmer)

5) Facing Heartbreak: Steps to Recovery for Partners of Sex Addicts (M. Lee, S. Carnes, and A. Rodriguez)

6) The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma (B. van der Kolk)

 

Thank you to this weeks guest contributors
Patty Morley
Bonnie Siulua (Soul+Soul)
Brit Mai

 

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