Transform Anger with Four Key Steps

We all get mad. All of us. If you've ever gotten angry, congratulations you are part of the human family. We’re happy to have you.

It doesn't matter who you are or how composed you seem on the outside, the feelings are there. Some people take this feeling of anger and let it drive the car (our brain) which turns into chaos, aggression, rage, and even hate. Others take this feeling and shove it in the trunk of the car. They suppress it instead of acknowledging it. It doesn't matter which of these techniques you use when these feelings arise, the feelings are there. The point is, we all feel it…and it's not a bad thing.

We often think there are only these two methods of dealing with feelings of anger, but there is a third alternative. The third alternative to either aggression or suppression is expression. Expression is the healthy way to address injustice in our lives without using either aggression or suppression; it's called advocacy. 

Here are the four steps to transform anger into healthy advocacy:

1. Get Safe
2. Get Centered
3. Get Curious
4. Express and Address
   
   

Step 1: Get Safe

The feeling of anger is a survival mechanism, and it's based in fear. Biologically, it is designed to aid us in fighting off threats. Anger triggers a cascade of physiological responses designed for survival, commonly referred to as the "fight-or-flight" response (mostly fight). To learn the physical signs anger causes in our bodies, check out this article: The Hidden Body Language of Anger. 

Anger is a messenger that lets us know one (or both) of these two things: you are in danger and/or you are perceiving an injustice. Anger cues you in that there is something wrong that needs to be addressed and provides the energy and motivation to address the injustice. 

And the first thing to address is the physical response happening in your body. Do you fight or do you flight? 

Acknowledge any danger that you may be facing and act accordingly. If it’s an oncoming car while you’re standing in the road, dodge the car. If it is a hungry crocodile, throw something at it and get away. If the danger is physical, “get safe” is the most important thing you can do.

Get safe means to get yourself into a safe space physically and emotionally. If the croc is approaching, move your body to get distance between you and the threat. If you are getting enraged, you may be a danger to yourself or others; find a way to calm yourself down and put distance between yourself and your feelings. The action is the same: get safe by getting distance.

The best way to do this is to excuse yourself from the situation. It’s important to take the space you need to address the physiological aspect of anger. It is crucial that you are calm, collected, and ready to listen and give sincere honesty when resolving an issue. Most emotions elevate chemicals in your body for about 90 seconds before coming back down. Take a minimum of three minutes to come down off the adrenaline and cortisol that are pumping through your system.

A great way to get distance is by excusing yourself politely. When excusing yourself, say something along the lines of, “I can feel myself getting upset and because I value our relationship, I need to step away for a minute to collect my thoughts.” And then I follow that up with, “Would it be okay if we revisit this in [X] amount of time?” Give the other person a specific time frame. This helps to relieve the tension initially and then signals to them this issue is important to you because you still intend to resolve it.

Step 2: Get Centered

Once you have gotten safe by getting distance from the situation, it’s time to calm your nervous system. Do not use this time to sit there and stew. The purpose of taking a break from the situation is to calm the physiological anger response and get back to thinking clearly. 

There are many regulating strategies to choose from.
Here are seven ways to get centered when angry:

1. Breathing exercises
   Try box breathing or the 4-7-8 technique.
2. Exercise
   This can be as simple as going for a walk. Get your body moving.
3. Meditate
   Focus on your breathing and let everything else pass by.
4. Journal
   Word vomit everything out of your system. 
5. Nature
   Go outside, enjoy the calming effects of mother nature’s beauty.
6. Music
   If you play guitar, piano, or any other instrument, start playing. This helps you create Gamma brain waves which create higher cognition and what's referred to as the flow state.   
7. Phone call
   Talk to someone you trust. Do not vilify the person you are angry at. Use your phone call to express your feelings and get an outside perspective on the solution (not the problem). Anger wants to trap you in the problem. Use this call to find the solution
   
   

Step 3: Get Curious(Not suspicious)

Curiosity is the antidote for anger. 

Now that our nervous system is calm and our impulse to throw something, use nasty or unkind words, or hurt someone has subsided, we can move on to the processing phase. This step is when we put on our detective hats and start asking questions. The point of doing this is to understand what is happening in our own mind and to try to understand what may be happening in the other person’s mind. Try to be as objective as you can while doing this. We are trying to understand, not find fault or blame. 

Getting curious prepares us for the conversation we’re about to have with whomever we are (were) angry at. Before we confront them, we need to understand what it was exactly that triggered our response and we need to be ready to listen to their side with respect and empathy. First, get curious with yourself and then get curious with them.

Here are eight questions you can ask yourself to get curious instead of angry:

1. “What moment triggered my anger?”
2. “What was the feeling behind the anger? Frustration, hurt, fear, threat, insecurity… etc.?”
3. “What experiences in my past may have contributed to my reaction?”
4. What is touching one of my values in this situation?
5. Which of my boundaries are being crossed?
6. What am I responsible for in this situation?
7. What do I want? What need or desire do I have that is not being met?
8. How can I communicate my position without becoming defensive or attacking?
   
   

Here are seven questions you can ask yourself to better understand them before speaking face to face:

1. “Why might they feel so passionate about this?”
2. How would I argue their point if I were in their shoes?
3. “What in their past may have contributed to their actions/reactions?”
4. Do they feel seen and heard?
5. Objectively, what do I think they need right now?
6. What is the best way to hear and see them right now?
7. How can this conversation become a connection instead of a conflict?
   
   

Here are seven questions you can ask yourself while talking with them to get curious:

1. Could you explain more about what you mean?
2. I would really like to understand you. Could you go deeper on that?
3. Will you help me understand that last point you made?
4. Could I restate what you said to make sure I understand?
5. How did you feel when I did/said [x thing]?
6. What need do you have that is not being met?
7. How do you think we could come together to solve this?

After asking these questions, it's time for the final question: Do you feel like I understand you? If the answer is yes, you know you can move on to the next step. If it's not, stay curious until they feel seen, heard, and validated.

“Connection is the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued.”
~ Brene Brown

Step 4: Express and Address

Now it’s time for a constructive conversation back at the scene of the anger (metaphorically speaking). Carry the curiosity into the conversation but this time you are not a detective, you are an advocate. You are advocating for the relationship, or advocating for yourself if a relationship with this person is not something you want. Stay open-minded, calm, genuine, and honest. 

Let them express their side first and then ask for permission to express your side. In his book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey defines the 5th habit as “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” Connections are built on understanding. As an advocate for the relationship, being curious is critical in building understanding. When we make the effort to understand other people, they are more willing to let down their walls and genuinely listen to our side as well.

While exploring the other person’s side, remember that we are using curiosity, not suspicion. This is not the time for assumptions, judgments, or blame.

(To learn how to use curiosity in a conversation, check out last week's article: The Black Man Who Befriended the Leader of the KKK)

Once the other person feels adequately understood, ask them, “Would it be okay to share what I need?” If their answer is no, ask “When would be a good time? Can we revisit it tomorrow?” It is important to respect their boundaries, and it is also important to express your feelings. Keep doing your best to advocate. If they are still unwilling to listen to your thoughts, you can try talking to a friend instead. However, as I mentioned in the “get centered” step, the purpose of talking to a friend is not to vilify the other person or rant about their issues, it is to express your own hurt and find ways to resolve the situation. 

If they do agree to hear your side, express your feelings without accusations. Use “I" statements not “You” statements. Be honest and kind. Explain what triggered your reaction, take responsibility for any destructive behavior, and share your hopes for reconciliation. 

After both sides have been shared, you can begin to find a solution together and enjoy the deeper connection you have forged.

Turn Conflict into Connection

Anger fans the flame of hatred and violence. Reacting with anger is a dangerous risk that can lead to severe destruction. These four steps help us to cool the hot coals of anger and transform the conflict into a connection. These steps work both in the short and the long term. 

To transform your temper in the long term (to prevent those coals of animosity from heating up in the first place), we must transform ourselves. Preventing anger in the long term means removing the need for anger.

We’ll dive into the practice of getting rid of the need for anger by turning anger into your ally instead of your enemy in next week’s post. For this week, ask yourself what conflict you turn into a connection.